Grief (Dealing with Loss)
Young adult survivor. Sounds like reality TV, doesn't it? Only it isn't. Being a young adult survivor of childhood cancer couldn't be more different from a TV game show, in which playing is voluntary-and no one dies (despite the melodrama). In the case of childhood cancer, on the other hand, no one chooses to play, you can't just walk away, and people do die.
You didn't die, although you probably had friends who did. But you did pay a price for your survival.
That price includes a lot of losses. You might have missed the chance to play sports, go to the prom, participate in clubs, be the top student in your class, graduate on time (or at all), work a part-time job, drive or even comb (or not comb!) your hair. You might have lost your boyfriend or girlfriend, your senior (or junior or sophomore) year, the chance at a scholarship, your plans for the future and the freedom to go somewhere without your parents worrying (as much). You may feel alienated from your peers, now that your values and priorities have changed.
You may have lost confidence that you will live to grow up. You may have lost a leg, an arm, an eye, the ability to have children in the future, the academic ability you used to have, physical strength, speed, endurance and your old self image. You may have lost new friends to a disease a lot like yours.
In other words, you lost a part of your childhood. In fact, you may feel that you've lost your self.
With all these losses come questions. Why did this happen to me? Why did I survive? Why did my friend die? How can I look at the world the way I used to? Can I hold on to my old beliefs about life-at least some of them? What will the future be like for me? How do I live in the shadow of what I've seen and been through?
Many of these questions don't have easy answers. They may force you to reevaluate your faith, your relationships, your goals and your outlook on the future.
Losses also bring grief. You will certainly experience grief of some sort. Just as with cancer itself, you don't have a choice. How you deal with your grief, however, is a choice, just as you had a choice in how to handle cancer. Whether you're going through cancer treatment or experiencing grief, ignoring reality won't help.
So what do you do? You call it what it is-grief-and you find ways to keep it from causing more losses. Just as with cancer, only let grief take what it must and what you don't want anyway. There's no chemotherapy or radiation for grief, but there are ways to keep grief from spreading and damaging you: talking, writing, reaching out to others and praying; identifying what you've lost and what you haven't lost; working, playing, thinking, crying, exercising, being alone, being with others, finding a project, feeling the pain and setting new goals.
Different strategies work for different people. At times, the best way to fight grief (or cancer) is to combine several techniques. Here are a few coping mechanisms:
- Denial
Many people talk about denial as if it is a bad thing. Denial is when something just does not feel real at first. Feeling this way, especially in the early stages, is OK. Denial helps us to gradually get used to the reality of the loss. - Distraction
It doesn't help anyone to constantly dwell on loss and grief. Part of coping is doing the things you used to do or things that take your mind off of the grief. Staying engaged in this way-even when you don't feel like-is often helpful. - Dealing with grief
If you try to ignore and bury your feelings, it won't work. Feelings of grief are strong and will continue to return if unresolved. Let yourself express the grief in a way that's comfortable. Talk, write or think. You may want to do something in memory of someone. For example, you could plant a tree, write a poem or gather with friends and reminisce.
But his experience with death has given Harry new powers. Previously, he thought students' carriages were pulled to the school by magic. Now, he can see that they are instead pulled by thestrals-fierce, meat-eating horses that are invisible to most of his friends. Harry soon learns that only those who have seen death can witness thestrals.
Later in the book, Harry employs thestrals to succeed in a heroic quest. If his friend had not died, Harry would not have been able to see-or use-the thestrals, and his quest might have failed. He succeeded because of his new powers, gained by seeing death.
Similarly, the losses of childhood cancer can lead to some hard-won gains. Some survivors find maturity, wisdom and perspective beyond their years. Is it an even trade-deepened perspective and wisdom for a whole host of losses? Not for most, but the gains are real nevertheless.
One teenager with cancer said he didn't want to just "survive" cancer-he wanted to "kick its butt." And he did. He later wrote of a fellow young adult with cancer who eventually died after a long, up-and-down struggle. Because of how she had lived, he wrote that she "gave cancer a sissy name." Both saw what was lost but didn't let losing have the last word. They made the choice to survive for as long as they lived-or, maybe, to really live for as long as they survived.
